It Was the Alcohol Talking, I Swear!
by chocolate-musubi
Summary: Japan goes out grocery shopping, and returns to find that things got really weird while he was away. OneShot CRACK. Rated T because the story involves naked men. And alcohol. Characters are.. uber OOC. Wrote this for fun, and because I'm high off Hetalia!


As the sun began to fall past the horizon, the Axis Powers decided that it'd be nice to find a place to sleep for the night. A Place that was preferably indoors. With beds, and bathrooms. And Decent food. A large inn was at the edge of the horizon, and lucky for the trio, was within walking distance.

Traveling together hadn't been easy. All Veniciano spoke about was pizza, pasta and breadsticks. There were many times when Ludwig seriously considered sending him to a nearby Olive Garden, as it seemed he would enjoy being at such a place. But no matter what, little Hetalia would always manage to beg and plead, and give up every ounce of pride he had, to convince Germany otherwise. And it always worked, much to the blonde's disdain. He was worried that being with Italy was taking a toll on his mental stability.

"You attempt to deny it, but you do actually like him." Kiku would always say. "If you didn't, he would be sitting in a pasta restaurant by now. I may not know much of people, but I know this for sure. You do like Italy-san."

The brunette always had a placid look on his face. As if he knew exactly how Ludwig felt. He did. To a degree. But Germany was determined to convince him false. He was determined to dissolve any evidence of a relationship between him and Veniciano.

Japan was quietly determined to prove that there WAS a relationship between the two.

"You're crazy, Japan. I don't like Veniciano. If I had my way, he WOULD be at Pizza Hut right now. But he always manages to guilt me into letting him stick with us. I may be a soldier, but even I have a heart."

"Whatever you say, Ludwig-san. Whatever you say…" Kiku quickened his pace, leaving Ludwig behind.

Little Italy was far ahead, singing songs of pasta and wine.

***

Outside the inn, the three discovered that the building had been long abandoned.

"We should go in anyway! I bet they have comfy beds! And maybe pasta!"

"I agree, Ludwig-san" replied Kiku. "About going inside. Not the pasta."

"I suppose so. I'm tired of sleeping in tents anyways. Especially after the last incident." The blonde shot the one with a curl a dirty look.

"I'm sorry, Germany! I was dreaming, and I thought the rope was a giant spaghetti noodle! The lobster just wouldn't let the pasta go…"

"Can we just forget about the past, and go inside?" Japan sighed and opened the door. The other two followed him. "This place is rather dusty, but it is a lodging, nonetheless." He went up the stairs, and found the rooms. He opened a door. The room inside seemed as though it had been untouched for many years. The bed was made, and the room was tidy, except for the dust that lie on the furniture.

The other two peered in from the doorway.

"Wow! This place looks so old-fashioned!" exclaimed Italy. He wandered into the room, fascinated by the intricate furniture and décor. Germany remained at the doorway, merely looking around the rooms, scanning everything.

"I choose this room. You two should go and find rooms for yourselves." said Japan, as he walked around the room, dusting everything off.

***

Ludwig and Italy had found rooms for themselves. Germany had found a large room, with furniture that reminded him of home. Italy had found a room that had a rather large bed. And interesting things in the garbage can…

***

Kiku had gone out to buy food. There was a small town down the road, and he was the only one with money…

***

Ludwig was in his room, lying on the bed, deep in thought.

"I don't like Veniciano. I. Do. Not. Like. Him. I REALLY. REALLY. HATE-"

"GERMANY!! OH, GERMANY!!!" Called a voice from outside. Oh boy. Veniciano. He continued to call, as Ludwig got up, and went for the door.

"What do you-" He opened the door, to find the one with a curl nude. "Why are you naked? Again?"

"I felt as though this inn was a perfect place to have a par-tay!" Little Italy did a happy dance. "Would you like to join me?"

"No."

"I found these big kegs of lager in the wine cellar!"

"Where's the party?"

"Yay!"

***

A few hours, and many drinks later, the two men were very drunk. Veniciano had barely drank half a bottle, but was already beyond tipsy. Ludwig, on the other hand, a man who could hold his alcohol quite well, had drank more than any other man could, or should have.

"You know, Ludwig. You should realllyyy take your clothes off! You'll feel… Oh so free!" Veniciano grabbed Ludwig's coat, and began tugging on the buttons.

"Uh, Veniciano. I don't think so… I like my clothes on…" Ludwig attempted to break his grip. To no avail.

Little Italy had quite the grip! Even if he was too drunk to think clearly. (Not that his thinking seemed very clear to begin with.)

"Germany! Take it off! Streak with me! Please? Please?!" Hetalia then began to shake the blonde, while begging for him to remove his clothing and run around naked together, in an abandoned inn, while their other friend was out.

Being drunk, Ludwig's tolerance level had grown quite short, and before either of them knew it, he was stripping down.

"Yay! That's the spirit Ludwig!"

Now, completely in the nude, Ludwig stood up.

"You wanna streak? Let's streak." The blonde man grabbed the one with a curl's arm, and the two were off, running around nude in an empty building.

***

After the running of the nudists, the two lay on Veniciano's bed, letting the alcohol talk. And talk, and talk and talk.

"You know, I really like you Ludwig! I really do! You're like, really strong, and kind, and handsome, and stuff!"

The blonde blushed.

"You know, you're not that bad yourself. The day is never boring with you around."

Little Italy turned a bright shade of pink.

This was where things took a turn for the worst.

Italy stood up, and took Germany by the hand. The little one smiled, then, looked down.

"Oh, Germany. You're big!"

"Huh?!"

"You're HUGE! Can I touch it?"

"NO! You CANNOT my wiener!"

"Oh, please?"

"Why?! Touch your own if you wanna touch one so bad!"

Veniciano decided it'd be a good idea, and try to "invade" Germany's "vital regions". But both being under heavy influence of alcohol, neither were exactly stealthy. Ludwig grabbed Veniciano's hair curl.

"Ai! Germany! You're such a meanie for grabbing me there!"

"Don't make me sound dirty, you drunken, horny freak!"

"Nyahh! It feels funny! Leggo!"

"No! If I let go, you'll try for my wiener again!"

"Nyahh! Leggo leggo leggo! If you leggo, I'll let you be on top!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

As Italy begged Germany to let go of his hair curl, Germany continued to refuse.

"Please lemme go! It feels weird!"

Suddenly, the door flew open.

"Kore wa nan desu ka?! What's this?! I leave for a bit, and I find you two doing kinky things!" Kiku was paler than usual. The things he bought had been dropped on the floor next to him.

"No, Kiku! It's not what you think! I swear!" Germany desperately tried to convince Japan that nothing had gone on.

"Usotsuki! You liar! Then why are you two naked? And why is your hair in a mess? And why does Veniciano-san look like he just had sex? Huh? HUH?! You rapist."

"Calm down, Kiku." Germany tried to put his hand on the brunette's shoulder. He took a step back.

"No. Stay away!" Japan grabbed the groceries, and ran away to his room.

He didn't leave his room for 2 days.


End file.
